A Christmas Carol

Discussion in 'THE AIGBURTH ARMS' started by Nikki the Great, Dec 21, 2017.

  1. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    @simulant37 was dead as a door-nail.

    @Bluey knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? @Bluey and he were partners for I don't know how many years. @Bluey was his sole executor, his sole administrator, his sole assign, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend, and sole mourner. And even @Bluey was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was someone to frequently tell to mind his own business.

    Continue if you wish...
     
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  2. Bluey

    Bluey Science Officer

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    I find this interesting. Baffling but interesting.
     
  3. jmc2000

    jmc2000 Deck Sergeant

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    @Bluey never painted out simulant37's name. There it stood, years afterwards, just below him on Notable Members: Bluey and simulant37. The firm was known as Bluey and simulant37. Sometimes people new to the forum called Bluey Bluey, and sometimes simulant37, and sometimes even Modbluey - but he answered to any name. It was all the same to him.
     
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  4. Bluey

    Bluey Science Officer

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    I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. Am I going to be visited by a number of spirits?
     
  5. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    Wait and see!

    In the meantime check out this excellent piece of art by @Snow Cloud

    [​IMG]
     
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  6. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    Once upon a time -- of all the good days in the year, on Christmas Eve -- @Bluey sat minding his own business in his counting-house. It was cold, bleak, biting weather: foggy withal: and he could hear the people in the court outside, go wheezing up and down, beating their hands upon their boobs, and stamping their feet upon the pavement stones to warm them.

    The door of @Bluey's counting-house was open and he was wearing his binoculars so he might keep his eye upon his clerk, @Decembers Crotchet (Crotchet being the nickname given to him on account of his extremely large crotch) who in a dismal little cell beyond, a sort of tank, was copying forum posts. @Bluey had a very small fire, but @Decembers Crotchets fire was so very much smaller (unlike his manhood) that it looked like one coal. But he couldn't replenish it, for @Bluey kept the coal-box in his own room; and so surely as @Decembers Crotchet came in with his shovel hands, @Bluey bossed him out the door again. Wherefore @Decembers Crotchet put on his best suit, and tried to warm himself at the candle; in which effort, not being a man of a strong imagination, he failed.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2017
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  7. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    `A merry Christmas, @Bluey! God save you!' cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of @"Christmas rubbish", who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.

    `Mind your own business!' said @Bluey

    He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this @"Christmas rubbish", that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again. `Mind my own business, @Bluey!' said @"Christmas rubbish". `You don't mean that, I am sure?'

    `I do,' said @Bluey,`keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.'

    `Keep it!' repeated @"Christmas rubbish". `But you don't keep it.'

    `Let me leave it alone, then,' said @Bluey . `Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!'

    `@Bluey, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!' returned @"Christmas rubbish".

    @Decembers Crotchet involuntarily applauded. Becoming immediately sensible of the impropriety, he poked the fire with his enormous willbert, and extinguished the last frail spark for ever.

    `Let me hear another sound from you,' said @Bluey, `and you'll keep your Christmas by losing your situation! You're quite a powerful speaker, sir,' he added, turning to @"Christmas rubbish". `I wonder you don't go into Parliament.'

    `Don't be angry, @Bluey. Come! Dine with us tomorrow on fish and chips.'

    `Mind your own business' said @Bluey.

    `I want nothing from you; I ask nothing of you; why cannot we be friends?'

    `Mind your own business,' said @Bluey.

    `A Merry Christmas, @Bluey!'

    `Mind your own business,' said @Bluey.

    `And A Happy New Year!'

    `Mind your own business,' said @Bluey.

    @"Christmas rubbish" left the room without an angry emoji notwithstanding.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2017
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  8. Pembers

    Pembers Console Officer

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    Well that's one red hot tip I've got.
     
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  9. BigOleDummy

    BigOleDummy Console Officer

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    As @Decembers tried and tried to get warm he was thinking terrible, evil thoughts about @Bluey 's miserly ways. He had been speaking with @neilold frankincense and myrrh who had been haranguing him will tale after tale after tale after tale of horror and his poor mind had finally snapped. As @Decembers sunk deeper into his twisted fantasies of revenge and mayhem @Bluey appeared at the door. "I'll be dining at YOUR house for xmas this year" he said "lets go", and grabbed his coat from the peg. After brushing off @Christmas rubbish 's cheery xmas salutations with his usual brusque "Mind your own business" he and @Decembers ,( of the red hot tip), made their way towards @Decembers humble abode.
     
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  10. Bluey

    Bluey Science Officer

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    This is really good stuff. I'm on the edge of my seat. I think.
     
  11. Abe

    Abe Deck Sergeant

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    I am assuming "my seat" is a euphemism for an orgasm
     
  12. jmc2000

    jmc2000 Deck Sergeant

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    @Bluey took his melancholy chicken tikka masala with his usual melancholy Pepsi; and having read all Neil's threads, and beguiled the rest of the evening in Currently, went home to his profile page. He had a profile page which had once belonged to his deceased partner. It was a gloomy profile, with four avatars in the "Followers" box, where they had so little business to be, that one could scarcely help fancying they must have run there when they were newbies, playing at hide-and-seek with other members, and forgotten the way out again.

    Now, it is a fact, that there was nothing at all particular about Bluey's avatar, except that it was very purple. It is also a fact, that Bluey had seen it, night and morning, during his whole time on the forum; also that Bluey had as little of what is called fancy about him as any man on the forum, even including—which is a bold word—the moderator and spambots. And then let any man explain to me, if he can, how it happened that Bluey, glancing at his profile, saw in the top left corner, without its undergoing any intermediate process of change—not his avatar, but that of simulant37.

    simulant37's avatar. It was not in crisp HD as the other objects on the screen were, but had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar. It was not angry or ferocious, but looked at Bluey as simulant37 used to look: with ghostly spectacles turned up on its ghostly forehead. The hair was curiously stirred, as if by breath or hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid colour, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.

    As Bluey looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was his own avatar again.

    To say that he was not startled, or that his blood was not conscious of a terrible sensation to which it had been a stranger from infancy, would be untrue. But he put his hand upon the mouse he had relinquished, moved it sturdily, opened a new tab, and read some creepypastas on Reddit.

    He did pause, with a moment’s irresolution, before closing the other tab; and he did cautiously right click on his avatar and open it in a new one, as if he half expected to be terrified with the sight of simulant37’s pigtail sticking out of the screen. But there was nothing on the new tab, except the familiar image of the Horsehead Nebula, so he said “Pooh, pooh!” and closed it with a click.
     
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  13. jmc2000

    jmc2000 Deck Sergeant

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  14. BigOleDummy

    BigOleDummy Console Officer

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    As @Bluey finished his flashback of The Strange Case of the Polymorphing Avatar, he and @Decembers arrived at @Decembers humble abode. Greeting them warmly was @Saint Nikki dressed in her finest Christmas hat and little Tiny @HO HO HO I'M JMC . Poor little Tiny @HO HO HO I'M JMC was struggling to wipe his nose in the cold rush of air from the open door. Struggling because his nose was made of metal, the finest RIVETED metal but metal nonetheless and as he tried to wipe it , it just smeared. Humphf! said @Bluey as he watched Tiny @HO HO HO I'M JMC dab in vain, "get on with it you little git" he muttered under his breath. "Will he ever get it? Who nose? @Bluey chuckled at his own inside joke.

    After a sumptuous xmas dinner of a hard boiled egg and Marmite all around, @Bluey , @Saint Nikki and Tiny @HO HO HO I'M JMC retired to the sitting room. Taking the best seat @Bluey settled in before the fire letting everyone else fight for floor space to rest on. Dozing off fitfully an eerie apparition appeared before him. It was @Snow Cloud the ghost of xmas past. "I will show you what made you as you are" said the semi-transparent @Snow Cloud as he took @Bluey to the land of xmas past.
     
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  15. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    @Bluey woke up from the brief nap he must have just had.

    Sitting-room, bedroom, lumber-room. All as they should be. Nobody under the table, nobody under the sofa; a small fire in the grate; pepsi and glass ready. Nobody under the bed hiding in case his brother came round; nobody in the closet; nobody in his dressing-gown, which was hanging up in a suspicious attitude against the wall.
     
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  16. Bluey

    Bluey Science Officer

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    It's a good story, but it's not that good.
     
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  17. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    It was a very cold night indeed. @Bluey was obliged to sit close to his pc, and brood over it, before he could extract the least sensation of warmth from it. The pc was an old one, built in 1994 or something. And yet that face of @simulant37, over a year dead, came onto the screen like a skype video call.

    `No' said @Bluey grumpily; and walked across the room.

    After several turns, he sat down again. As he threw his head back in the chair, his glance happened to rest upon a a pair of binoculars, a disused pair of binoculars, that hung in the room. It was with great astonishment, and with a strange, inexplicable dread, that as he looked, he saw this pair of binoculars begin to swing. They swung so softly in the outset that it scarcely made a sound; but soon they rattled against the wall loudly, and so did every pair of binoculars in in the house.

    This might have lasted half a minute, or a minute, but it seemed an hour. The binoculars ceased as they had begun, together. They were succeeded by a clanking noise, deep down below; as if some person were dragging a heavy barrel of specialist ale.

    The cellar-door flew open with a booming sound, and then he heard the noise much louder, on the floors below; then coming up the stairs; then coming straight towards his door.

    `Rubbish' said Bluey. `I give it a 2 out of 10.'

    His colour changed though, when, without a pause, it came on through the heavy door, and passed into the room before his eyes.`I know him; @simulant37's Ghost!'.

    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
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  18. Nikki the Great

    Nikki the Great Flight Co-Ordinator

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    @Bluey had often heard it said that @simulant37 had no balls, but he had never believed it until now.

    No, nor did he believe it even now.

    `How now!' said @Bluey, caustic and cold as ever. `What do you want with me?'

    `I beg your pardon?' -- @simulant37's voice, no doubt about it.

    `Who are you?'

    `Ask me who I was, if you please.'

    `Who were you then?' said @Bluey, raising his voice.

    `In life I was your forum partner, @simulant37.'

    `Can you -- can you sit down?' asked @Bluey, looking doubtfully at him.

    `I can.'

    `Do it, then.'

    `Stop bossing me around,' said @simulant37.

    `I'm not.' said @Bluey.

    `What evidence would you have of my reality beyond that of your senses?'

    `Mind your own business,' said @Bluey .

    `Why do you doubt your senses?'

    `Mind your own business,' repeated @Bluey,`you see this toothpick?'

    `I do,' replied @simulant37.

    `Looks like your willy,' said @Bluey.

    At this @simulant37 raised a frightful cry, and shook his barrel with such a dismal and appalling noise, that @Bluey held on tight to his chair, to save himself from falling in a swoon. But how much greater was his horror, when the phantom taking off the bandage round its head, as if it were too warm to wear indoors, its lower jaw dropped down upon its breast, and his terrible haircut could be seen.
     
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  19. Ant E

    Ant E Flight Co-Ordinator

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    Further evidence of how rude you are to everyone mod Bluey!!!! Perhaps, with the help of Mavis, your manners shall improve for 2018!!!

    I have quantifiable reservations however.
     
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  20. Ant E

    Ant E Flight Co-Ordinator

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    Although I wonder what kry10, veggie and the guy who sings high pitched would have to offer to this excellent, modern take of a Christmas Carol?!!
     
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