Red Dwarf Limericks

Discussion in 'RED DWARF UNIVERSE' started by Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century, Apr 5, 2017.

  1. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Maybe I'm being a jerk
    And we should assume they took work
    To get the right coin
    Or indeed purloin
    Food from Gaul, Greek and Turk
     
  2. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    Plot holes are serious stuff.
    Solving them, often, is tough.
    Others who jeer
    "It's a sitcom," I fear,
    Don't care for the franchise enough!
     
  3. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    I broadly like Series X
    But Lemons is beyond my ken
    It brings back your youth
    But also, in truth
    Zaps you back to the Savior of Men

    Some may chime in
    That time-travel's no sin
    But look on the map
    That Swedish death-trap
    Sent them back to what's now London

    Human, cat, hologram and mech
    That sure is a nifty piece of tech
    Especially the range
    On the remote, it's strange
    It works far from Red Dwarf's deck

    Why is there a remote
    For a shower, I note
    You are surely inside
    When you want youth supplied
    It's these things that stick my throat

    And "Returner Remote", for God's sake?
    It took them away by mistake!
    Why'd its makers discern
    Any need to "return"?
    This part's also a bit fake
     
  4. Abe but more Halloween themed

    Abe but more Halloween themed Deck Sergeant

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    This baffled me in the rhyme scheme at first, as I still occasionally say it as 'series ex' instead of 'series ten'.
     
  5. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Kryten is a linguist we know
    He even speaks Esperanto
    I can't help but ask
    If the one in the mask
    Speaks Latin or Greek so-so

    Modern English to speak, it is fine
    From around fourteen-ninety-nine
    But English in twenty-three
    Did not exist, do you see?
    So with history it does not quite align

    In the fifth century it started
    The language we speak was imparted
    It didn't embark
    From the shores of Denmark
    Until after the Romans departed

    Over time did English replace
    Brythonic tongue which fell from grace
    Before first century ears
    They'd be met with jeers
    And more than one confused face

    It's some time before Britain embraces
    The speech of our beloved deep-spacers
    For a good thousand years
    English shifted frontiers
    And dropped many grammatical cases

    But to many it is not elementary
    That English wasn't even rudimentary
    "Red Dwarf is the show
    So go with the flow
    It isn't a bloody documentary
    "
     
  6. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    LOL!

    Thank you, Deep Space, I was wetting myself at those.

    EDIT:

    But here is a point of contention -
    That I feel entitled to mention -
    Did Legion go live
    With his groundbreaking drive,
    Or did nobody use his invention?

    The crew of the holoship - no.
    A merely ethereal glow.
    It's clear from the script
    They were poorly-equipped,
    And quite unashamedly so.

    But Howard, my god, what a card!
    That wag was demonstrably "hard"!
    Pre-dating the crew
    Of the holoship too -
    Quite baffling, in that regard.
     
  7. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    How can I raise the stakes?!

    Hmm...

    Quite unique excellent ep -
    Great! - an acrostic, and yep -
    You might reasonably feel
    That sh*t just got real -
    Combining them - what a bold step!
     
  8. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    We don't know when Howard became
    A hologram, which is a shame
    How long he'd been dead
    Then resurrected
    Is difficult to ascertain

    But Howard may not be a blip
    Lanstrom can be seen to grip
    The metal grill in the station
    Much to my agitation
    And ice from her face it does drip

    The only way it makes sense
    For Lanstrom to hold the fence
    She must be hard-light
    That has to be right
    How else would the water condense

    Hard-light must have got out
    But humans began to doubt
    Holograms need placating
    They regretted creating
    Hard ones with so much more clout
     
  9. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Queeg is one of the best
    Unfortunate crew were oppressed
    Excessively critique
    Eventually you'll pique
    Go running at Holly's behest
     
  10. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    Son of a gun.
     
  11. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    "It's only lighthearted"
    Don't get me started
    The battery was flat
    And just why is that?
    It was the first time they'd departed

    "Was it the distance?" I mused
    But I remained confused:
    They had yet to return
    So you see my concern
    The battery had never been used

    "In transit" it lay
    Forever and a day
    Was it flat from the start
    Before they did depart?
    Do batteries work that way?
     
  12. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    The batt-er-y didn't go flat -
    None was included, and that -
    Is not a fan theory
    (Rewatch it, my deary!) -
    I'm right, or I'll eat my own hat :P
     
  13. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    I must have been distracted
    Whilst the scene was enacted
    Wondering how Kryten
    Was able to enlighten
    On where they'd been extracted

    He didn't have the psi-scan
    Which is normally what can
    If he can just wiggle his head
    Then why not do that instead
    Since the show began

    This recent time-travel session
    Had another plot indiscretion
    Why did Kryten even land
    With the remote in his hand?
    When the sock they sought to freshen

    I can see he's holding it onboard
    But why is what went unexplored
    He didn't know it would send
    The sock anywhere, just mend
    This seems a wee bit untoward
     
  14. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Lemons takes them back to Earth
    Ending in, for some, much mirth
    Meeting a man of sacred worth
    Ostensibly of virgin birth
    Now, limericks normally have five lines
    Sorry, "Lemons" wasn't "Limes"
     
  15. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Entangled's one I've moaned about
    Niggles give me cause to doubt
    Thirty-one can't be Kochanski's age
    Although some fixes may assuage
    Not ageing through Lister's woe
    Going there ten years ago
    Let's not mention BEGGs again
    Eating humans now or then
    Damn, nine letters make this hard to pen
     
  16. Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century

    Deep_Space_in_the_15th_Century Supply Officer

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    Trojan introduces Howard
    Rimmer who's also a coward
    Out of time he comes aboard
    Joined by a robot broad
    All-Droid station still broadcasting
    Neverending, everlasting
     
  17. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    BBC doesn't desire
    Another new series of Dwarf.
    Could now be the time to retire
    Kryten, or kill polymorph?

    Trust Dave to be ready with dough -
    Or, for the skutter, a script -

    Extending our best ever show,
    Albeit with episodes skipped.
    Rimmer is visibly older;
    The wig is more obvious, too;
    Holly got given cold shoulder - and said that the jokes were all poo.
     
  18. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    I'd almost finished a cracking one for Justice, then realised I had it muddled with Inquisitor :-(
     
  19. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    Camille was made to simulate
    A perfect, made-to-measure mate.
    Man and mechanoid adore
    In earnest such a paramour.
    Love has many strange surprises
    Like the way it humanises.
    Even Kryten fantasises...
     
  20. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    There's a new forum today.
    Hopefully, members will stay.
    Everyone's posting some stuff,
    But is the momentum enough?
    Early adopters abound,
    Getting the board off the ground,
    Ignoring each other at last.
    Newbie potential is vast!
    Now we can all have a laugh,
    If no one "reports" all the chaff.
    Niggles - I have only one:
    Garbage Pod sadly has gone :-(
     
    Zombie Smurf likes this.

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