RDXI Top Ten Funniest Lines Ever

Discussion in 'RED DWARF XI / XII' started by R.I.P. 2000, Feb 22, 2017.

  1. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    A natural sister-thread to the single funniest line from each episode. I've started it here so spoilers won't be a problem.

    Feel free to post something rough, and then edit your post as you change your mind (you can always add a new reply explaining your changes).

    At the time of writing, mine are (with some controversial inclusions:-(

    #1 "Quality" - Back to Earth
    #2 "We are talking jape of the decade" - Queeg
    #3 "STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!" - MeĀ²
    #4 "But I was only gone two minutes?!" - Kryten
    #5 "Change of plan - leg it!" - Emohawk
    #6 "Well I say let's get out there and tw*t it" - Polymorph
    #7 "Somebody save us, before I wet me kecks!" - Blue
    #8 "In fact... you're a bit of a knob" - Lemons
    #9 "Nope! We just hosed him down and gave him a hat" - Trojan
    #10 "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb" - Legion

    Honourable mentions: "woman's period" (Balance of Power); "become a dog" (Cassandra).

    EDIT: On reflection... I thought it was controversial to have a BTE line in my top ten. I do still like it, but value it more for the emotional punch than I do for the comedy. I thought I would get roasted for placing it at number three, as per the original listing.

    But you know what... in my whole time as a Red Dwarf fan, I'm not sure I ever laughed as hard as I did at "quality". There are one or two rival laughs from the classic run, in terms of my reaction on first viewing - but I was a child then, and more inclined to laughter.

    "Quality" is the only time I rewound a Red Dwarf moment to watch it and laugh again. So I'm going to be honest and put it where it belongs, at number one.
     
  2. Dismembers

    Dismembers Deck Sergeant

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    1. Well...you do have a small physical presence. (Meltdown)
    2. WHAT! (Queeg)
    3. Or we could use the Teleporter? (Rimmerworld)
    4. Brylcream (would have been higher were it not ruined by the follow up)
    5. Life has to be cruel, kind and unfairrrrrrrrrrrr....... (Justice)
    6. Silence scum (Meltdown)
    7. It's Whinnie the Pooh (Meltdown)
    8. Turns out shoes have soles (Queeg)
    9. Will be allowed to have....... strings on their Guitar. (Krytie TV)
    10. I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.(Marooned)
     
  3. R.I.P. 2000

    R.I.P. 2000 Deck Sergeant

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    I considered "Brylcreem", but passed over for the reason you mention (the follow-up line flogging it to death). And I'd forgotten Winnie the Pooh. Maybe I need to re-watch the classic run.

    I think it's interesting that we both have moments from series 8. Although 8 has problems, I think there's a lot of good gags in there. I also liked the reveal of "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD!"
     
  4. Callisto252

    Callisto252 Supply Officer

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    Don't think I can rank them, so they're in chronological order. I also know that this list will definitely change as I go through my running-up-to-XII whole series rewatch (left it too late for XI and only got through I and II, so thought I'd start nice and early this time).

    1. "You are how you look. And I look... like a complete and total tit!!" (Future Echoes)
    2. "Well, it's a laugh innit?" (Waiting for God)
    3. "I feel like I'm having a baby" (Thanks for the Memory)
    4. "I've come here to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead." "Will I really?!" (Stasis Leak - hope that counts as one line)
    5. "Of course, she had an artificial nose" (Parallel Universe)
    6. "...Alexander the Great's chief eunuch" (Marooned)
    7. "Goodness me, it's Marilyn Monroe!" (The Last Day)
    8. "I've come to regard you as... people I met" (Holoship)
    9. "No! No, no, please no! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley!" (Back to Reality)
    9. "Hell, if that's gotta make sense, I don't want to be sober" (Gunmen)
    10. "...Teleporter" (Rimmerworld)


    Damn, run out of places! I wouldn't pick anything from VII or VIII but would perhaps also include "hosed him down and gave him a hat" from Trojan and the last use of "Captain Bollocks" from Give and Take. Strange that I've not picked any Lister quotes - there are definitely some lines that I can't recall right now. EDIT: "Someone who badly needed a pen" from Psirens has just come to mind.

    By the way, I've chosen these based on how much they make me laugh, I don't necessarily think they're the best lines on paper (hope I've got the right idea).
     
  5. Dismembers

    Dismembers Deck Sergeant

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    It was an interesting exercise for me. Meltdown is a strange episode for me, it's nowhere near my top 20 in fact it's probably one of my least favourites but it has several of my favourite moments in it. I guess similar to Krytie TV.
     
  6. Almighty_crj

    Almighty_crj First Technician

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    1) Not really, I need it to turn the lights on and off.
    2) But you were a TWAT!
    3) What sort of Navigation officer can't tell left from right?
    4) Someone who badly needed a pen.
    5) I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on!
    6) I got that out of his jaw.
    7) In fact, you're a bit of a knob.
    8) I think you're well past that point, sir!
    9) Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit, I'm alive!
    10) Oh, it's a magic door!
     
  7. OurJud

    OurJud Deck Sergeant

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    10. Would it hurt you to have hair like mine?
    9. It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!
    8. Bastard!
    7. I hate to say it, but for once TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils is right.
    6. And Kryten, you are indeed a hcachum babow, or smart Alec metal git.
    5. Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
    4. Go and stick an egg up your nose.
    3. Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels.
    2. I mean, just because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion' doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!


    1. You're a sad weasel of a man, d'you that, Rimmer?
     
  8. Dismembers

    Dismembers Deck Sergeant

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    Ah good call on No. 5, that should have been in my top 5.
     
  9. OurJud

    OurJud Deck Sergeant

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    Just occurred to me, looking at that list again, I think I must have a 'thing' about the word 'bastard' :shock:
     
  10. Strat-tastic

    Strat-tastic Flight Co-Ordinator

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    I haven't got a top ten to offer at the mo', but it would surely include:

    She'll never leave Fred, and we know it.
     
  11. Presuming Ken

    Presuming Ken Deck Sergeant

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    Nor me. But the one that sprang instantly to mind was:

    "And Kryten, you are indeed a 'Kharcoum Babo', or 'Smart Alec metal git.'"
     
  12. OurJud

    OurJud Deck Sergeant

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    "Goit!"
     
  13. karnie

    karnie Supply Officer

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    It'd be impossible to choose just ten, but I'm surprised no one's claimed this one yet:

    "Now I know why dogs lick their testicles...."
     

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