Space Corps Database

Your complete guide to the characters, ships, gadgets and, erm, diseases in Red Dwarf.

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Kochanski, Kristine Z (2)

Captain's Comments
In a parallel dimension, Lister was caught smuggling his cat aboard Red Dwarf by Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski. Being the sentimental type, she couldn't bring herself to vaporise the moggy as per regulations - and found herself facing six months in stasis.

Three-million years later, Kochanski's only companions are a life-form who evolved from her cat, and David Lister, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. Under Kochanski's tutelage, the Cat became an intelligent and capable life-form, while her Lister's time as a hologram made him sensitive and considerate. (Note: He is also capable of staying awake for several seconds after sex.)

Kochanski, Kristine Z (2)

Unfortunately for her, Kochanski met this dimension's Starbug crew via a linkway through a dimensional tear. (Note: Classified under 'wibbly thing'.) Lister's GELF bride infiltrated non-space and attacked the linkway, leaving Kochanski stranded. Further attempts to return her have failed. (Note: In extremely painful ways - see medical records for Kochanski's thighs.)

During this period, Lister and Kochanski also began the process of having a child. Begun in an in-vitro tube (Note: Not Lister's first choice as a method of conception) and grown in a uterine simulator, the child - actually the infant Lister - was taken back in time and abandoned in order to fulfil causality. (Note: Would this reason for abandonment stand up in court?)

Kochanski grew up in the Gorbals, the trendiest part of Glasgow, alongside her brother Moose and her pony, Trumper. She was educated in Cyberschool, but afterwards - having discovered that the world didn't actually revolve around her - she went off the rails and became a retropunk.

This rebellion was curtailed when Kochanski went to Cadet School. (Note: It is entirely possible that this was caused by the cyberpunk movement not allowing a full provision of hair-spray.) She enlisted in the Space Corps and signed on to Red Dwarf.

Aside from her love of cottage cheese (with pineapple chunks) and her hatred of showers, it is Kochanski's love of her teddy bear, Boo-Boo, and the fact that when making love she makes a noise like a rusty gate that really leaves her open to taunting by Kryten. (Note: The level of jealousy Kryten exhibits is unheard of outside of Oscar-night parties.)

Kochanski left Red Dwarf to find her own way home after she eventually gave up on Lister. The inability of the universe's last man to grow up was too sad to watch and she apparently fled in a Blue Midget. (Note: I hope she fuelled up. Those things get lousy gas milage.) To spare Lister's feelings, Kryten concocted a story about her accidental death via an airlock.