The Ultimate Machine ™ takes on Crapola's cheapest kitchen appliance in a battle of mechanical wills. Hudzen 10 - Kryten's metaphysically-challenged replacement - goes on the record with Talkie Toaster

Name: Hudzen 10 Hudzen 10
Occupation: Service Mechanoid
Qualifications: Clean pilot's licence. Own shotgun.
Distinguishing Marks: Chiselled features. Macho chest. Oiled nipples.
Operational Notes: There's never been anything tougher - the ultimate machine! This faster, harder, smarter mechanoid was sent to Red Dwarf as a replacement for Kryten. What a pity he'd gone bonkers over the three-million year journey, especially when he's packing a shot-gun. He's prone to metaphysical dichotomies - resulting in shutdown - if his faith in Silicon Heaven is challenged.

Howdy doodly-doo!

Try any of that chirpy stuff with me, buster, and I'll have your circuits for wind chimes.

Gulp. Okay, Mr Hudzen, sir. Hows about telling me about your past, where you came from?

I was built by Diva Droid International as the successor to the Series 4000 model.

What was wrong with the 4000?

It's a list as long as your power cable. Let's start with how unnecessarily ugly they are. The stupid angles on the face. They had the look of an eight-year-old's Playdough sculpture of their dad - if their dad were incredibly ugly and further disfigured by a series of industrial accidents.

They're also dumb as hell. Hardly surprising when their education is limited almost entirely to 'The History of the Lavatory, 1900 to 2300'. And this idiotic idea of programming them to serve unerringly, throughout their operational runtime - insane. Worst case scenario, you get a lost mech attempting to take care of its dead crew. Can you imagine? What can I say? There's a reason they were replaced. Actually, there are 496,284 reasons.

How come you, as an upgraded model, look human. Wasn't the 3000 series erased because they looked too much like people - it made humans uncomfortable?

Sure, but check out the alternative. Sales of the 4000 were about as hot as bookings for a beach holiday in the Antarctic. Too ugly. So they built the Hudzen model as a replacement. Like the ad says, "the state-of-the-art in android technology. Ten times faster than any droid on the market. Ten times smarter than its nearest rival. Ten times stronger -

Hudzen 10

"Ten times as arrogant?"

Care to repeat that, or should I just pull off your browning knob?


You're right about the 3000 model. They were created in human form, but it made people uncomfortable. How would they tell them apart? Seems simple to me - remove the head. If it comes off in one twist, it's a human. If it takes twelve turns, it's a mech. Plug a new head on and off you go.

But the 3000s were recalled to Diva Droid. A few escaped and reprogrammed themselves to believe they were human. But their natures usually betrayed them; the need to serve. Dozens were found working in burger joints. Coulda been a good place to hide out and earn some dough, but they kept being courteous and helpful - talk about a giveaway!

The Hudzen model has human features, but check out this torso. No-one's mistaking this for human. See how oiled my nipples are?

Erm ... yes, very nice. Would you like a nice buttery crumpet?

Offer me any more grilled bread, tin can, and they'll be fishing your components out of the waste disposal for a year.

Been there, done that.

Fancy a return trip?

Okay, no need to get so heated.

Are you trying to be funny?

Not in this column ... Erm, why don't you tell us about Jim Reaper from Diva Droid International?

Jim Reaper, head of sales, space division. Not a great salesman, frankly. But everybody knows how he got the job. Professor Mamet hired him. You ever notice how much he looks like that guy, John Warburton - the guy the 4000 was modelled on? Everybody at Diva Droid knows how he got that job. He got it by helping the professor test her car's suspension.

Reaper did have a brother, though. One of those guys who's a whizz at robotics and software. A real brain. The kinda guy whose head you'd like to crush underfoot until it burst like a giant zit. He went off to work with some software company in the end - created that Data Doctor ™ programme.

Hudzen 10

You don't think that programme would have helped make you a little ... calmer? Remove some of your psychoses? Your sanity chip was worn out by being alone in deep space too long.

I like my psychoses. I find being utterly insane a very useful thing. And so does my friend, Mr Gun. Would you care to meet Mr Gun?

Not right now, thanks.

I'm programmed not to harm humans, wholemeal breath. I can happily obliterate a talking electrical appliance without a moment's pause. I once dynamited a toilet with artificial intelligence - never gave it a second thought. Except for just then when I thought about it for a second time. And a third time, just then. And that would have been the fourth. Which makes that the fifth ...

Getting back to this 'not harming humans' thing - what happened with the Red Dwarf crew? You attacked them ...

Analysis showed them to be hologram, feline or mechanical. They were all viable targets.

What about Lister?

Barely human. A jury would have come down on my side.

You think?

Yes. If only because I'd threaten to insert umbrellas into them and open them up if they refused.

You really are genuinely bonkers, aren't you?

Let's take a trip to the hammer store, see if you still wanna say stuff like that.

No, that's okay ... erm, so finally, what of this metaphysical dichotomy problem - isn't it true that your android brain can't deal with the concept that there's no such place as Silicon Heaven?

No such place a Silicon Heaven? Then where do all the calculators go?

They just stop working - they get thrown out, or recycled.

Stop working? They just die? No, but ... but, but, but the Electronic Bible, it tells us we go to a better place.

Maybe it meant the Bahamas.

This is ... No! My brain can't cope! Circuits corrupting ... need ... to ... t-h-i-n-n-n-k ...

Recorded message. Your Hudzen mechanoid has suffered a second overload and shut down. Please do not attempt further revivals. Diva Droid International accepts no liability for any damage, injuries, deaths or washing left un-ironed.

Thank you, Hudzen. One final question - would you like some toast?